The Vision

What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s not an easy answer, even when you’re grown up.  Years ago I graduated with a degree I never intended to use. My college professors told jokes similar to this, “How do you know if you see a philosophy major?”  “The Pizza is here.” Even as I was taking out unnecessary  student loans I knew philosophy wasn’t my path. I spent years chasing a dream somebody said should be mine.

The problem with chasing someone else’s dream is the lack of motivation. I had little drive to get a four year degree, but the rule follower in me knew I was “supposed” to get a college degree. It only took me seven years, two universities, one move back in with my parents, and seven jobs to do it. Even as I type this, I am happy to have that piece of paper. It somehow feels like an insurance policy. Being educated makes you marketable. Employable. Dependable. At least that’s what “they” say. I don’t know that I will ever collect on this policy but again, the rule follower feels safe.

Today I am a married, stay-at-home, mother of three beautiful children. I fight the daily fight that is all things toddler. I have a few work from home jobs that give me small breaks from the monotony of being home all day. I love that part of my life. However there is another part of me, looking for a way to break out.

Someone once asked me what I looked for in a friend. The question caught me off guard, and my answer was halfhearted at best. Sometime later, I began reflecting on the question. Like most people I knew, I liked to be around people that were kind to me. I liked when people told me I was funny or clever. In short, I liked to be around people that liked me. However, I realized, those were qualities that I looked for in acquaintances. Not friends. I like to be around people that need something I can uniquely offer. I don’t want to be the next in a long line of carbon copies. My closest friends asked for advice and listened to my perspective. Even though they were going through hard things, it made me feel like I was making a difference. I felt like I made their days be just a little bit better. I want to be able to continue that through this website.

Today I know what I want to be. I want to be a motivator. I want to be a force that cannot be stopped. I want to help people find the light that is hidden in the cracks. I still don’t know how I will be the force I want to be.  I don’t know if I will ever have the reach that I dream of. I do know that dreams aren’t reached by doing nothing. Each day I am going to take another step and hope that its my first step before the win.